God Is Disappointed In You Read online

  Paul’s 1st Letter to the Thessalonians

  Dear Thessalonians,

  First of all, I just wanted to thank you guys for being so awesome. When I first showed up in Thessalonica, you were a bunch of idol-worshiping dildos, but now look at you! You are the most faithful and trustworthy Christians out there.

  I wish all Christians were like you guys. Remember when we first met? Many of you insulted me or tried to beat me up, but even then, I didn’t try to candy-coat my teachings or tell you what you wanted to hear, so you know I was being honest with you. I love you enough to infuriate you.

  By the way, I’m sorry I had to leave you all as abruptly as I did. I heard that the law came down pretty hard on you after I left. I hope you don’t get the idea that I somehow left you holding the bag. I tried to come back as soon as I heard, but Satan suddenly made me too sick to travel. You know how he can be.

  It always makes me nervous to leave new Christians on their own, because you never know what they’re going to get up to when you aren’t around. So imagine how happy I was to hear that you guys haven’t been seduced by false prophets or scared away by the cops. I am so proud of you.

  I’m sorry to hear that some members of your congregation have died since the last time I was there. Unfortunately, because of their deaths, some of you are now questioning whether I might have been wrong when I said that Christ would return during your lifetime. Now, this is going to take a little explaining. It may seem like I was wrong, but I wasn’t, because your friends aren’t really dead! When Jesus comes roaring back, which will be any day now, he will bring your dead church members back to life so they can take part in all the fun. So you see, I was right after all. Christ is coming back and coming back during your lifetime, though you might be dead when he gets here.

  Until then, assuming you’re still alive, remember to keep it in your pants. I know that’s not easy when you look around and see all these oily, tanned Greeks walking around half-naked, but chastity really is for the best. Jesus will be coming back soon, and when we all fly up to meet him in the air, trust me, you’ll want to have your pants on.

  In closing, we don’t know the day, exactly, when Christ will be coming back, so the only way to not be taken by surprise is to live every day like it’s the big one.

  Keep those purity rings polished.

  Paul

  Paul’s 2nd Letter to the Thessalonians

  Dear Thessalonians,

  Once again, I just wanted to say that I think you guys are great. Your faith in God, even as you are being persecuted, is an inspiration to us all. And believe me, Christ is taking down the names of everyone who is giving you trouble, and when he comes back, they are in deep shit. In fact, everyone who doesn’t believe in Christ will be in deep shit. They will all be banished from the presence of the Lord, where they will live in eternal darkness, and slowly be crushed to death for all eternity. So cheer up!

  I’m glad to see that my last letter did the trick and that you are all back on board with the idea that Christ will be returning soon. That said, don’t dance around anxiously thinking every day is the big one. I know I’ve been adamant about Christ’s imminent return, but some of you are clearly overdoing it.

  I’ve received reports of people refusing to go to work because, hey, what’s the point if Christ is coming back any day now? Ludicrous. When I was living among you, did you see me loafing around, just waiting for Jesus to come sweep me out of my sandals? No, you did not. I’ve worked hard all day every day so that when he does come back, the world will be a little more ready for him.

  Besides, a lot of things still need to go down before Christ comes back. There will be this big rebellion, the Anti-Christ will show up…You know what? If somebody refuses to work, just don’t feed them. I’ve had it with loafers.

  Anyway, I hope things settle down and you can all go back to living your lives without people trying to beat you or stab you in the throat all the time. May God be with you. Silas and Timothy say hello.

  Peace.

  Paul

  Paul’s 1st Letter to the Timothy

  Dear Tim,

  I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind talking to the Church of Ephesus for me? They seem to have fallen off the wagon again. Especially Hymenaeus and Alexander. Those two are so full of shit, it’s coming out their ears. I’ve just about written them off to Satan. Anyway, I’d appreciate it if you could do me a solid and get Ephesus back in line.

  Here’s what I want you to tell them:

  Guys, I don’t want you using the open prayer time to score cheap shots on each other or to make political statements. The last thing I want is for the prayers to end in fist-fights or to bring the law down on us for no good reason. So no more “God, please help Simon to stop stealing dinner rolls” prayers. If you’re going to mention someone by name in your prayer, say something nice about them.

  As for you ladies, I’d prefer it if you didn’t say anything at all.

  After all, the last time we let a woman teach religion, it got us kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Am I right, guys? Also, there’s no need for you to wear all those fancy clothes and jewelry to church. It’s not a fashion show. Frankly, I’d rather you deck yourselves out in good deeds and modesty. Those accessories never go out of style! (You can use that if you want to.) Anyway, ladies, don’t come to church to show off, or talk, or do much of anything, for that matter.

  Also, Tim, make sure the bishops and deacons are good, upstanding men who’ve belonged to the church for a long time. They shouldn’t be in it for the money, have a temper or a taste for the wine. They should only have one wife (each) and their kids should be pleasant and well-behaved. If a bishop can’t even keep his own house in order, then how’s he supposed to keep a whole church in line? In fact, even the rank and file members of the church need to be serious, upstanding Christians. I don’t want to hear about churchgoers making lewd gestures during services or telling dirty jokes in the foyer. Put an end to that ASAP.

  Be sure to teach everyone the scriptures, both so they’ll have a better appreciation of their religion and so they’ll know what to say when non-believers heckle them.

  And make sure they treat the widows in the church well, but only if they’re real widows. You know, like over the age of, say…sixty. If they’re young and foxy, don’t worry about them so much. Take care of orphans, though, whatever their age. God likes orphans.

  If a member of the church happens to be a slave, make sure they behave and are hard workers. Nobody likes a lazy slave, and I don’t want their masters blaming their surliness on Christianity. Conversely, if a church member happens to be a slave owner, he should treat his slaves fairly so they’ll think kindly of his religion and perhaps even think of joining.

  As a rule of thumb, I like to publicly humiliate sinners. It makes everyone else afraid to get up to anything. Feel free to develop your own management style, though.

  Also, don’t believe any accusations made against church leaders unless there are multiple witnesses. The last thing we need is a lot of turnover at the top.

  Finally, make sure people don’t get too materialistic. The love of money is the root of all evil. Money is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. We came into this world with nothing, and that’s precisely how we’ll leave it.

  Anyway, that’s my advice. You’ve got your work cut out for you, Tim. One of the reasons I’m writing all these things down is that I don’t know how much longer I’ll be around, so I want to give advice and pass on my wisdom while I still can.

  Keepin’ it real,

  Paul

  Paul’s 2nd Letter to the Timothy

  Hey Tim,

  Still in jail waiting for my case to be heard by the Emperor Nero. To be honest, things aren’t looking so hot for me. Let’s just say that I’ve seen a lot of freaky shit go down, so I’m not terribly optimistic about being released for good behavior.

  Don’t worry about me, though. I
’m not afraid to die. Those who die with Christ will live with him. And those who deny him will be denied by him. And, whatever happens to me, I take genuine comfort in the fact that I have friends like you. Your mother Eunice and Grandma Lois have always had unshakable faith in God, and I see the same strength in you. You never take a day off from being a good Christian, unlike some guys I know.

  You know, people accuse us of being lazy. When I’m out preaching, sometimes they’ll shout, “Deadbeat!” or “Get a job!” But you know what? Telling people about the gospel isn’t just a job, it’s every job. You’ve got to be willing to take a brick to the head and die, like a soldier. You have to play by the rules, like an athlete. And you’ve got to work hard every day hoping that someday you’ll see a crop, just like a farmer. Who else has a job like that? I’m not ashamed to be some crank street preacher locked up in prison. You shouldn’t be either, because I’ve got to be honest, if you stick with this gig, this is probably where you’ll end up.

  The calling proved to be too much for Demas, I’m afraid. He got spooked and left the church. But as I near the end of my own rope, I can look back with pride and say that I remained true to the game. And if I can do it, so can you. Just stay focused on the work. Don’t let yourself be distracted by Hymenaeus and Philetus and their idiotic theory that Christ has already returned to Earth and is hiding somewhere.

  Ironically, one of the ways in which we know that Christ’s return is near is because of such false prophets. In the last days, people will be greedy, conceited, self-absorbed, hedonistic assholes. Smooth-talking con-men will worm their way into people’s houses and prey on the gullible. So steer clear of guys like that.

  Also, I hope Trophimus is feeling better. Give my love to Prisca and Aquila. Do NOT give my love to Alexander the copper-maker. He knows what he did.

  Eubulus says, “What’s up?”

  When you come to visit (you are coming to visit, right?), could you bring me my coat and some books?

  I’m really going to miss you, Tim. You’re like the son I never had, and I would really love to see you one last time before I die.

  Please hurry.

  Paul

  Paul’s 2nd Letter to Titus

  Hey Titus,

  In case you were wondering, the reason I’m sending you to Crete was to see if you could muster up some good, honest, and hopefully sober men to lead the church there. I understand this is no easy task, especially on Crete.

  You can’t trust those people half the time. The other half, they’re asleep. Crete is full of liars, cheats, and gluttons. So don’t be afraid to use a firm hand with them. As I tell everyone, make sure they quit with the circumcisions and all the old Jewish traditions. As I’ve already explained ad nauseum, we’re a new religion now. If I remember correctly, you were pretty happy when I told you that you didn’t have to get circumcised, so pass the favor along, will you?

  Make sure they respect your authority. When they call you by name, make sure they’re actually saying “Titus” and not “Tight-Ass.” Those people will keep you on your toes, believe me.

  See if you can convince the men to keep it in their pants for a change. And try to get the women to cut down on the wine and gossip. Be sure to set a good example for the young people. Don’t tell them to behave in a way you aren’t willing to behave yourself. Trust me, teenagers can smell a hypocrite a mile away.

  I know I’ve been kind of having a bit of a go at the Cretans, but the truth is that before I found Jesus, I was even worse than they are. Remind them, as I remind myself, that Jesus didn’t give his life because we’re so great that we deserve it, but because we are so awful that we need it.

  One more thing: try not to get caught up in stupid arguments about genealogy, the law, or minute points about church doctrine. Those conversations are exhausting and futile. If somebody turns out to be a contrarian or a troublemaker, give them a couple of warnings and then ban them from the church. Don’t let a few itchy lice turn into a full-blown case of the crabs.

  Everyone here is really pulling for you. I’ll send someone soon to relieve you.

  Holy hugs,

  Paul

  Paul’s Letter Philemon

  Dear Philemon,

  How’s everything going on your end? Good, I hope. Unfortunately, things aren’t so great for me right now. You guessed it, I’m in jail! Although, I like to think of myself, not as being a prisoner of the Romans, but as a prisoner of Jesus Christ. After all, if Christ wanted me to be free, I’d be out, right? So, when you think about it that way, I guess I don’t mind doing time if I can do it at the Jesus Christ Correctional Facility for Men.

  Oh, guess who’s been visiting me here in jail? Your old slave, Onesimus! In fact, I am kind of writing this letter on his behalf. Look, I know Onesimus ran away from you and that wasn’t cool. But from the sound of it, you weren’t all laughs and tickle-fights, either. At any rate, Onesimus has been a big help, so do right by him when he comes back, okay? DO NOT KILL HIM. (I’m totally reading your mind right now, aren’t I?)

  What’s more, since he’s a fellow Christian, you really ought to treat Onesimus more like a brother than a slave, anyway. Perhaps you should even consider freeing him. Or better yet, you could loan him to me. Like I said, he’s been a big help.

  In any case, go easy on him. If he owes you any money or has caused you any damage, charge it to me. True, you kind of already owe me one for that whole salvation/eternal life thing, but whatever, I’ll still pay you if you really want me to.

  Anyway, Luke and Mark say hello, as does Epaphras, who is also under Christ-arrest with me.

  Stay golden,

  Paul

  Part Eight

  Other Assorted Letters & Visions

  In which the Romans get a little creative with the Christian problem, false prophets run amok, and the world comes to a fiery, insect-filled end.

  Of course, Paul wasn’t the only one writing about Christianity. He wasn’t even the movement’s leader. If that title belonged to anyone, it would’ve been James, who ran the church in Jerusalem and was purportedly the brother of Jesus Christ. And, as is clear from their letters, Paul and James didn’t always agree. Paul thought Christianity had rendered all the old Jewish traditions obsolete, whereas James and many of the old disciples still considered themselves to be Jews first, and still beholden to Jewish laws and traditions.

  Most of these letters were written to warn Christians about false prophets, and to encourage them to stay strong as they faced persecution from the Roman Empire.

  The Romans tried to be tolerant. They really wanted to be thought of as the cool empire, but there were two things they absolutely could not abide: revolts and people cheating on their taxes.

  Many Christians refused to sacrifice to the Roman gods. To the Romans, who relied on the goodwill of Jupiter or Neptune or Artemis for good trade, weather, or harvests, sacrificing to these gods was tantamount to paying your taxes, and they couldn’t figure out why the Christians were being such insufferable buttholes. Because of their refusal to sacrifice to the local gods, many Christians were convicted, ironically, of atheism. For their punishment, they were beaten, imprisoned or fed to wild animals during the matinee before the gladiator fights.

  The Emperor Nero came to power in 54 CE, and he really ramped up the persecution, blaming the Christians for setting the Great Fire of Rome. In retaliation, he lit his parties with human torches, the burning bodies of hundreds of Christians.

  To make matters worse, the Jews revolted against Roman rule in 66 CE, temporarily evicting the Romans from Jerusalem. At that point, the Romans were done putting up with these God-worshipers. After putting down the revolt, killing tens of thousands of Jews in the process, and basically outlawing the Jewish religion, they destroyed the Temple of Solomon. This was a shock, not only for Jews, but also for Christians, many of whom were basically Jews for Jesus. The Romans had destroyed God’s home on Earth!

  Meanwhile
, a man named John had been living in a cave on the island of Patmos. When he heard that the temple had been destroyed, that his Jewish countrymen were being slaughtered, and that his fellow Christians were being used as cat food, he thought that he was witnessing nothing less than the end of the world. That Jesus surely had to come back now, or there would be nothing left to come back to. So he wrote a book called “Revelation” describing his vision of the imminent end of the world.

  The Letter to the Hebrews

  Here’s the news, Jews: I wanted to take this opportunity to address some lingering questions regarding your conversion from Judaism to the Christian faith. The FAQ is below, please pass it around among yourselves.

  Q: You told us that Jesus was coming back any day, and that was like decades ago. What’s the deal?

  A: What’s the hurry? You got fish sticks in the oven? Don’t worry, Jesus will come back when he’s good and ready. In the meantime, do NOT flake out on the Son of God. Remember when your ancestors got sick of waiting for Moses to come down from Mount Sinai? They panicked and started making golden calves and idols, and look what happened to them. They spilled the hooch and screwed the pooch. The entire nation spent the next forty years lost in the desert. So don’t make the same mistake twice.

  Q: Your teachings about the nature of Christ are often simplistic and, to be frank, vaguely insulting to our intelligence. We miss the richly complicated debates we used to have about the Torah.

  A: That’s more of a comment than a question, actually. But to respond: of course our teachings are simplistic! You are babies in the Christian religion. As babies, you’ve got to learn to drink milk before you can move on to solid food. Once you’ve mastered the basics of salvation and the forgiveness of sin, then we can get down to debating the finer points of Christian ethics and theology. Besides, if the old Jewish scriptures were doing such a great job of answering your questions, why did you turn to Christianity to begin with?